Carolyn CordonWhat are friends for?
May 27th 2009 23:15
We all have friends, even you out there, you know who I'm talking about, yeah you.
Some friends are easy to deal with, they show up every now and then for a drink and a bit of a chat, then drift off to their own life again. Super simple. They are funny and fun, and they don't cause any strife.
Some friends are more high maintenance than that. They're the ones who ring in the middle of the night, to tell you about their ruined life and bastard boyfriend and their mother who hates them. These friends make demands, take up your time, ruin your sleep.
If this person has been your friend for a long time, and done this sort of thing many times, you may wonder why you both stay friends. You do all the work, they just ring you up and want you to help them out of the messes in their life.
If you have one of those sorts of friends, and you're getting tired of them, it may be time to step back and ask yourself, 'What's in this friendship for me? Is it worth my effort to keep on with this friend?'
If the friend does the same nurturing this for you, if the need arises, then you may decide to remain in the friendship. If you don't need that sort of nurturing at the same level, you may decide the friendship gives you a welcome chance to nurture and feel needed, and you enjoy the chance to do that for your friend.
If that is the case for you, then you can honestly say, Yes, this friendship gives me rewards that make up for the angst. Needy friends can bring satisfaction in different ways. They can make you happy that you are able to help, or they might make you more satisfied with your own stress and strain free life. If that is the case, then, yes, it's worth maintaining the friendship.
But if the friendship honestly stresses you out far too much, and interferes with your own life too much, you may end up hating what that friend puts you through. You may end up hating yourself for being weak and putting up with the way your friend treats your life like it is there solely to help them out of their troubles.
Then you have to bite the bullet and have an honest talk with yourself. Will you be better off without this stuff? If the answer is yes, you will be better off without the things this friend brings, then you have to be brave and think of yourself. Some friendships can be so damaging they take you down to the pits, and you might not be able to climb out. If you honestly think this friendship is in danger of doing this to you, get out, become less available. You and your friend/ex-friend may both be better off.
Some friends are easy to deal with, they show up every now and then for a drink and a bit of a chat, then drift off to their own life again. Super simple. They are funny and fun, and they don't cause any strife.
Some friends are more high maintenance than that. They're the ones who ring in the middle of the night, to tell you about their ruined life and bastard boyfriend and their mother who hates them. These friends make demands, take up your time, ruin your sleep.
If this person has been your friend for a long time, and done this sort of thing many times, you may wonder why you both stay friends. You do all the work, they just ring you up and want you to help them out of the messes in their life.
If you have one of those sorts of friends, and you're getting tired of them, it may be time to step back and ask yourself, 'What's in this friendship for me? Is it worth my effort to keep on with this friend?'
If the friend does the same nurturing this for you, if the need arises, then you may decide to remain in the friendship. If you don't need that sort of nurturing at the same level, you may decide the friendship gives you a welcome chance to nurture and feel needed, and you enjoy the chance to do that for your friend.
If that is the case for you, then you can honestly say, Yes, this friendship gives me rewards that make up for the angst. Needy friends can bring satisfaction in different ways. They can make you happy that you are able to help, or they might make you more satisfied with your own stress and strain free life. If that is the case, then, yes, it's worth maintaining the friendship.
But if the friendship honestly stresses you out far too much, and interferes with your own life too much, you may end up hating what that friend puts you through. You may end up hating yourself for being weak and putting up with the way your friend treats your life like it is there solely to help them out of their troubles.
Then you have to bite the bullet and have an honest talk with yourself. Will you be better off without this stuff? If the answer is yes, you will be better off without the things this friend brings, then you have to be brave and think of yourself. Some friendships can be so damaging they take you down to the pits, and you might not be able to climb out. If you honestly think this friendship is in danger of doing this to you, get out, become less available. You and your friend/ex-friend may both be better off.
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Comment by Chris Champion
LettersToNorm
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Excellent post. In friendship, I have learned to value - or at least to recognise - non-judgmentalism. I think it's the root of all good.
Comment by Carolyn Cordon
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Food Leaf
Wow, great line Chris. And the opposite is the root of all evil, right? Being judgmental is difficult, it's the old casting stones in glass houses thing.
We've all stuffed up. We should be able to forgive ourselves for it, and we should do the same for others. Up to a point. There are some political leaders and former political leaders who may not deserve our forgiveness.
Comment by samaritan
Fringe Faith
Samaritan's Stories
Although I can understand what you're saying, I don't think we should just look at friends in terms of what we're getting out of it.
Sometimes I think it's good to be friends with people, and give ourselves to them, even when they can't give anything back. In fact, it's the neediest people who often need our friendship the most. I don't think it's a good thing to just turn on our back on people because we're not getting anything out of the relationship. And leave them without anybody.
Also, sometimes we may be very giving to people who are needy. And they are a bit of a drain. But then at a later stage, they end up being the ones to support us. Or maybe they have supported us in the past. I think there can be a tendency sometimes for people to be someone's friend when they get something out of it. But the minute they stop getting something out of it, they turn their back on that person.
I am glad that you said that sometimes what we get out of a relationship is the satisfaction that comes from nurturing and feeling needed. But I do really think that, in a true friendship, what you're getting shouldn't even be that much of a consideration. A true friend never asks 'what am I getting here?' Instead, they ask 'What can I give here?'
Samaritan
Comment by Carolyn Cordon
Light Within
How do You Express Your Creativity?
Food Leaf
I feel that in a fully developed person, the giving is one of their main joys in life. When I say fully developed person, I mean a person who realises their own true self, and strives always to be better.
A person who is not perfect and forgives themself for it, as they forgive others. A person who lives as Jesus lived, as well as they are able. Jesus is my personification of a fully developed person.
To give with no expectation of getting is a sign of a truly good person. To give goods, money, your time. We all have it within ourselves to give something, and I know if we give a little, we will get so much back, spiritually in return.
Comment by Morgan Bell
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absolutely!
if you are not getting anything from a friend cut 'em loose!
and im not talking about material things or favours, im talking about enjoyment, if the person is a bore or a liability and they add nothing positive to your life i say you start screening their calls
i actually think that kind of tough love helps people in the long run, they only learn the value of being considerate and contributing once their last friend turns his back . . . sometimes people need to see consequences in order to adjust their behaviour
crack that whip
Comment by Carolyn Cordon
Light Within
How do You Express Your Creativity?
Food Leaf
Comment by Morgan Bell
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Comment by Carolyn Cordon
Light Within
How do You Express Your Creativity?
Food Leaf
It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it.
Do I get danger money after I've been snooping around in your head?
Comment by Morgan Bell
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you could have learnt any number of dull things from wandering around my mind . . . use them for evil and not good
Comment by Cheryl J
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there are people I've discovered that are unable to grasp the meaning of friendship, I call them emotional vampires. I have to disagree slightly with Samaritan on this. Although I wholehertedly agree that it is sometimes the most needy that we should support but there comes a time, when the friendship is so uneven, and all you do is give and give and the other person just takes without ever giving a thought for you then you need to cut them loose.
Friendship is about give and take. Sometimes there are times when you need to give more and take less but the balance is usually redressed in your time of need. If the other person can never see your time or need, or care about it, then they do not deserve your friendship. I have recently shed some 'friends' who I was always there for but never gave a thought about me when I was in need.
Comment by Morgan Bell
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people need to know what is expected of them and where the boundaries are, if you allow people to get away with blue murder you just create sociopaths
as the old adage goes, give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, teach him how to fish and he'll eat forever
the best gift you can give to a friend is teaching them that being anti-social is unacceptable and that friendships are reciprocal
Comment by samaritan
Fringe Faith
Samaritan's Stories
I think there's a difference between people who just can't give you anything because they're simply not able to and those who don't give you anything because they don't want to. Sometimes you do need to look at friends who just don't care, and say why I am continuing with this friendship?
But I guess the main point I was trying to make is that sometimes people really need others, and they're just not in a position where they can give much back. When you're there for those people (even though you're not being rewarded in any way) you may actually be helping them to get the confidence, self-esteem and emotional reserves they need so that they can start giving to people. But you don't do it so they can give to you in the future. You do it because you care about them.
And sometimes the most caring thing to do for a friend is to say I'm not going to be there for you anymore. But sometimes the most caring thing is to continue to provide emotional support and help, even though it's not being returned. That's not selfish self-gratification. That's love.
Samaritan
Comment by Cheryl J
Rhythmatism
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Comment by Morgan Bell
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Comment by Carolyn Cordon
Light Within
How do You Express Your Creativity?
Food Leaf
Did someone say Kings Cross bogan? not here thank you!
This is blogging for the greater good!
I feel so, so Pollyanna reading the wonderful things we've all been writing here.
Thank you ladies for your thoughts. I think we may be more or less of like mind on this one.
Comment by Mr Nice Guy
Pop Culturist
Pop Rock Factory
Some 'friends' wander into our world because we need these people at that period of our lives - then just as quickly as they arrive on the scene they depart.
Some are sent to us because there are life lessons about people we need to learn.
And some are the soul mates, siblings or side of our character we need to help us be a more complete person.
Nice post.
Comment by Carolyn Cordon
Light Within
How do You Express Your Creativity?
Food Leaf
I feel I am so lucky to have found my soul mate, and I'm so lucky that he is the man I married. I feel so sorry for people who never find the special person to spend their life with.
Some people have a special soul mate for a particular part of their life, and I have had that too, in my teenage years. Thank you to Wendy who may be looking down on me from Heaven.
I believe that if you leave yourself open to people to come in and share with you, you are much more likely to find people who will help you. If you shut people out, they can't share, can they?